The Racing Mind

Okay now that I am probably failing yet another plant biology class I have come to grips with the fact that I am stupid. Well that isn’t completely true I guess I’ve come to grips with the fact that I am putting no effort into my class and that lack of action is stupid. It seems for the past two years I have purposely not tried to do well in my single one easy class. Why is this? I am not completely sure. I have basically not studied for more than two days before the test I don’t go over my work after lecture and I seem not to really care. Why don’t I care exactly. I mean I do care but I seem to not. Maybe if I fail I will finally come to grips with the fact that I am stupid. The unfortunate part is that I am not stupid. Maybe I am still bitter over the fact that I worked so hard in my undergraduate and received very good grades and now it has gone no where, my effort has useless. I don’t use my degree. I feel like I have not future in academia because I feel extremely pressured not to pursue and it is my fault that i feel this way. I could just say fuck you mom get over it and I am going back to school. You may not like it but that is what I am doing. But I don’t. Why? Because I seem to have convinced myself that I have not future in what I want. Now that I have turned 28 I feel the time is ticking away and you know why this is. Oh let me count the ways. Fucking constant badgering from my mother, who believes that ones function is to get married and have damn babies. Fuck babies, fuck this. This is completely unreasonable but I know no other way. I feel trapped; I feel locked within and so no answer because I won’t live for myself.

Plans for the future.    1) Fucking decided on some career path.  2) Make plan   3) Take initial actions of implementation  4) Implement  5) Achieve what I know is with in me. 6) Shove it in the mothers face   !!!!    VICTORY.


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